Got a festival lined up in the next couple of months?
There are many festival survival guides out there on the internet on how to camp and generally survive festival life.
However, there aren't any on the most important thing.... How to survive festival toilets as a woman.
Here are our essential tips to survive a weekend in a festival field without any unnecessary (and harrowing) portaloo experiences.
Jumpsuits Are A Nightmare. Fact.
This girl above? Yeah, she looks awesome in her floral one-piece.
You know what else we can imagine? The terrible trouble she's going to get into after four ciders on a trip to the arena portaloos.
Jumpsuits look rad at festivals, but remember one thing....
YOU HAVE TO GET NAKED TO PEE.
Apart from the technical issues that result by taking off all your clothes in a dirty plastic box, there's also the problem that portaloos are infamous for not locking properly.
The chance of someone opening the door on you is very high. You will be the totally nude girl scrabbling for the door in front of a large queue of festival goers.
We'd say don't take wear them at all, but we know you won't listen, because they look so damn cute.
Just maybe change your outfit before you hit the drinks at night!
Do A Reckie
When you get to the festival, it's all so exciting. So many people to meet, so many bands to see, so many beers to drink...
Before any of this, do yourself a favour and find the most remote set of arena toilets.
We're not saying run around the site in search of a magic portaloo, just have a proper look at the festival map and use your common sense.
You'll thank yourself later when the queue for the main toilets are a miles long and other girls are resorting to squatting by the fence....
Go first thing in the morning
The portaloos get cleaned at the same time every morning.
Since the music stops at 3am at most festivals (apart from Glasto, you guys are crazy) there's a set protocol for the night time cleaning.
After the initial clean up, the portaloos will be cleaned between 6am and 8am.
Wake up early enough and you can get down there, safe in the knowledge that you are the first customer of the day.
Carry baby wipes everywhere
There are many things you can borrow off neighbours in the campsite.
Toothpaste, hairbrush, deodorant, these things are not the end of the world if you've forgotten to bring your own supply.
But you need your own supply of wet wipes and you need to keep them on you at all times.
Good for removing makeup, wiping up beer skills and of course- surviving toilet roll-less portaloos.
We took these Halo ones to Latitude last weekend and they were a total lifesaver!
And a torch at night
Admittedly, if you rock headwear like this lady when entering the toilet, you will look a little mental.
A pocket flashlight in your bumbag throughout the weekend however will be more than a little helpful.
If you don't think you'll need one just remember three things-
1) Portaloos don't have any lighting inside
2) Portaloos are super disgusting
3) You have to sit down in those portaloos everytime you need a toilet visit at night for three to four days.
Yeah, we thought so.... Get one here.
To squat or not to squat?
This is very much a matter of taste.
We once knew a girl who would swear by the maxi skirt crowd squat instead of using the portaloos, however we do find it somewhat unsociable for the other festival goers around us.
If you do want to do the squat however, we're not going to stop you. Festivals are all about being free and guys have been peeing anywhere they want for years.
Just maybe fund a spot where you won't put out anyone else around you...
Use A Shewee Only If Sober
Depending on your take on the matter, shewees are either the weirdest or most genius invention of the 21st century.
If you are going to use one however, please remember to not get too confident, especially after a couple of drinks.
We've heard some real horror stories about bad shewee use by the intoxicated.
If you miss, you're just peeing yourself, don't pee yourself guys.
Consider Your Camping Spot
Here's a tip to survive other peoples festival peeing habits.
Do not, and we repeat, do not, camp at the bottom of a hill or next to a fence.
While women have to plan their toilet visits for the weekend, guys really do just let it go anywhere.
Don't be downhill when that happens and don't set up in a corner of the campsite that will undoubtedly become a gonzo urinal.
It's really not worth thinking about....
Invest In Your Loo
If you really can't stand the thought of festival loos, we have some good news.
When Nature Calls is a company that have had the genius idea of providing luxury toilets at festivals.
You pay £30 for a wristband and get use of the squeaky clean loos for the entire weekend!
They have lights, which means no more cautiously peeing in the dark. We're sold!
We're not saying you should do this....
But it is pretty genius.