Photo by Jamie Anderson
It’s that time of year when the pro snow kids head off to Australia to find the perfect powder. And while they hurtle their way over mountains, taking photos on their GoPros and generally having the world’s best time; we’re hoarding enough pennies to get us to Bulgaria for 5 nights sometime around Christmas. What a depressing (if not slightly first-world) state of affairs.
The only way we’ll manage to muddle through is by making light of our all-consuming jealousy. And thus we present: our round-up of the snowboarders that make our Instagram feeds look super dull, via a comparison of hashtags. Is there a way to freeze our tears into snow?
We post: A picture of the rain pouring down our windscreen as we attempt to get across town in monsoon-like conditions.
They post: “Oh hey! Look at how dramatic these clouds make this shot of me on top of a mountain look!”
We post: A snap taken on the bus, in celebration of the fact that the spot on our chin has finally cleared up. Mostly.
They post: Mid-run, covered in snow, and still looking damn cool. We bet they aren’t even sweating. Eugh.
We post: The air ambulance flying over our sketchy neighbourhood to the site of the nearest violent clash.
They post: Them on the helicopter, preparing to jump off at the top of a mountain and have the run of their lives. Assholes.
We post: A picture of our belly, strewn with crisps and Bombay mix, and the Premier League game on in the background.
They post: On the pitch of their favourite team, sauntering around like it’s no big deal.
We post: Free ice cream sample! Fuck yeah!
They post: Actual winning.
We post: … nothing all day. Because we are in bed.
They post: All the time, because it’s the same as every other day living out your dreams. Sigh.
We post: … by accident. It was intended as a private Insta-message to our other-half. Now it’s everywhere.
They post: Them, naked on the cover of a magazine, inspiring lust in the loins of every follower regardless of gender or orientation.
We post: “@Primark: my £1 earrings have fallen apart. Can I have my money back please?”
They post: It’s not even solid gold, yunno.
We post: “Check me in 2004 on my way to the Fall Out Boy show! OMG I was so random.”
They post: “Hey, here’s me as a child. When I was already one of the best snowboarders in the world.”
We post: Our dog doing something stupid.
They post: The same, but it’s infinitely funnier.